7 Most Unbelievable Autocorrect WINS A growing body of mortality research on immigrants has shown that the longer they live in the United States, the worse their rates of heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes.     NEW YORK—According to a report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution, the lone non-telepathic individual living in the world today is still completely unaware that every other human being has the ability to mentally receive and channel thoug... In its annual rankings, Fortune magazine has named Apple the world’s most admired company for the sixth year in a row. Fortune calls Apple “a financial juggernaut,” citing Apple’s $13 billion in net income last quarter — earnings that made it the most profitable company in the world during that period. The magazine also applauds Apple’s “fanatical customer base” and the unprecedented success of the iPhone and iPad product lines. A tower being built on Park Avenue is part of Manhattan’s booming ultraluxury construction business, a trend that is warping the real-estate market and driving up overall costs.     ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence that they had somehow each forgotten to bring bathing apparel to the fes... Danica Patrick Takes Last Place In Preakness Stakes Apple announced financial results for its 13-week fiscal 2013 first quarter ended December 29, 2012. The company posted record quarterly revenue of $54.5 billion and record quarterly net profit of $13.1 billion, or $13.81 per diluted share. These results compare to revenue of $46.3 billion and net profit of $13.1 billion, or $13.87 per diluted share, in the 14-week year-ago quarter. “We’re thrilled with record revenue of over $54 billion and sales of over 75 million iOS devices in a single quarter,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “We’re very confident in our product pipeline as we continue to focus on innovation and making the best products in the world.” Getting That Perfect Souffle In A World Of Uncertainty And Pain Despite Carmelo Anthony’s 39 points, the Pacers held off the Knicks to win their Eastern Conference semifinal series.     Check out the news from the launch and be among the first to download Internet Explorer 9. Apple has announced that customers have downloaded over 40 billion apps — nearly 20 billion in 2012 alone. The App Store has over 500 million active accounts and had a record-breaking December with over two billion downloads during the month. Eddy Cue, Apple’s senior vice president of Internet Software and Services, says, “It has been an incredible year for the iOS developer community.” Developers have created over 775,000 apps for iPhone, iPad, and iPod touch and have been paid over $7 billion by Apple. BOSTON—Law enforcement officials confirmed today that before the police captured Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the 19-year-old left a really nice thank-you note for the owner of the boat in which he had been hiding out that day. BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave Mooreland, 31, enthusiastically greeted coworkers this morning after arriving straight ... Apple has announced the launch of the iBookstore in Japan. The iBookstore has a wide selection of emerging and established authors, including Shyotaro Ikenami, Jiro Akagawa, Atsuko Asano, and Ryu Murakami. “We’re excited to launch the iBookstore in Japan with a wide selection of Japanese publishers and authors,” said Eddy Cue, Apple’s senior vice president of Internet Software and Services. “We think customers are going to love how engaging and interactive the books are to read, and how beautiful they look on iPad.” Awash in hits, but not in profits, a proud Hollywood studio has suddenly found itself in the cross hairs of an activist investor who wants to spin it off from Sony.     PARIS—Following a storied 21-year career, global soccer icon David Beckham officially announced Thursday that, at the age of 38, he is a giant quitter. Apple announced that it will hold its annual Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) June 10 through June 14 at San Francisco’s Moscone West. At the five-day conference, developers from around the world will learn about the future of iOS and OS X. WWDC will also feature more than 100 technical sessions presented by over 1,000 Apple engineers and hands-on labs to help developers integrate new technologies. And the popular Apple Design Awards will showcase the most outstanding apps available through the App Store and Mac App Store. Tickets for this year’s WWDC go on sale Thursday, April 25, at 10 a.m. PDT. Across the United States, teachers are using iPad and other tablets to reinvent the presentation and management of educational material. According to a report in Wired magazine, “tablets’ simplicity, ease of use and the massive range of academically minded applications available are drawing teachers and educational technologists to the platform in droves.” iPad is leading this charge, as “the most popular tablet among educators,” and “Apple’s iTunes U is one tool making iPad-based course integration easier by helping teachers create and curate a wholly digital curriculum.” CORTLAND, NY—Amid mounting scrutiny over scandals involving last September’s attack on the U.S. The best tool to improve and keep track of your health may be in your pocket, says Dr. Eric Topol, a pioneering figure in “wireless medicine” — the practice of using apps and devices in health care. An article from NBC News describes how new apps for iPhone and other devices can measure vital signs and even detect whether someone is having a heart attack. “These days, I’m prescribing a lot more apps than I am medications,” says Dr. Topol. “The smartphone will be the hub of the future of medicine.”